Julian Ritter sinks into depression after Hilde’s death
After Hilde’s death, Julian Ritter descended into an inconsolable state. Among other things, he felt guilty for not having pressed Hilde to see a doctor sooner. Although the relationship was sometimes fraught with tensions, Julian loved his wife and losing her left Julian missing a part of himself. He could find no escape in painting as inventiveness and imagination were traded in for deep recriminations.
Following is an excerpt from Julian Ritter’s autobiography, Chasing Moonlight, that deals with his desperation and depression at the loss of Hilde.
Meaning faded from my life. I drank to get drunk. Anger at destiny made me want to die, but my inner fears left me too cowardly. Time moves like a heartbeat. One day, life revolved around Hilde; the next day she disappeared from this world. One day, Ciocia held me in her arms; then Ciocia became a memory. Boyhood dissolved, with dreams of becoming a sailor still lingering.
My mother, Angela, once filled with tempestuous spirit, wore down like stones in a flowing brook. Now, at sixty years of age, could I move forward or would I deteriorate with sorrows?
Hilde spoke to me in a dream: “Julian, I’m okay now. I am not feeling any more pain. You must find meaning in yourself and never give up. You must paint. Fulfill your boyhood dreams. You have much to give the world. You will meet a young woman. Treat her well. You must stay alive for a reason.”
Julian would eventually regain his footing and start to paint again. And, as in the dream, Julian would meet his young lover, Laurie Kokx, shortly before leaving on his voyage of the South Pacific.
(Source: julianrittercentral.com)
